You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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