I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize