I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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