it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
