The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you traded sex for a burrito?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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