I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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