I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
