I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize