Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
and she was petting her beer can
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
