I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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