if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
