If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
