I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
