we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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