I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
