cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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