Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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