the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
