Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
