My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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