You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
