when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize