Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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