First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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