I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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