omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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