I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
