Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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