She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We need a shit load of segways right now
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
