I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just want nice things and good sex
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
