I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
