I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
