omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
