So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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