Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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