Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
