His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
