Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
