I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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