I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
