I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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