i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
