she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
