He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my being single is dangerous.
two words: eviction party
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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