Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
