he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
