Someone shit on the floor
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
