So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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