I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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