i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
