bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize