sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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