If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize