I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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