You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
