There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
