If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
