I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
