I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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