bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
