it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
